“God help the man who says ‘you should have known me when'” – Gaslight Anthem

Am I my best-ever self right now? Are you your best-ever self right now?

Envy is a misguided emotion that’s typically directed towards someone else and it’s fed endlessly by our obsession with scrolling away through social media. We all know being envious of someone else does nothing to improve our own standing, but have you ever considered the envy we carry on occasion of our own selves? Prior versions of ourselves, more specifically. I think it’s a more common experience than you’d think on the surface…we just don’t always call it envy.

I was reflecting recently on two times in my life where I had been close to or at least well on the path of becoming the man I want to be. I felt a bit dismayed and almost guilty at having had retreated a bit from those points. In reality, there are quite a few points in my life of which I wish I could recover a certain aspects of my prior self today. I’ll work on this thought process in a bit but first, here are just a few prior-selves I felt envious of.

1. In undergrad at York College, I had a lot of friends
2. When I packed my life into a car and moved to Denver, I finally felt independent and interesting
3. When I first got to grad school, I truly connected with new people, was more laid back and was working to improve myself from a position of excitement rather than mild self-hate
4. In my second through fifth quarters in grad school at DU, I actually felt intelligent
5. Through my summer off this past year, I was the strongest I’ve ever been and physically capable enough to really push my adventure activities. Not only that, I felt mentally healthy for the first time in….

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Richard Feynman tells this great little story in Why Should You Care What Anybody Thinks about visiting Greece to give lectures at a university. On a tour of the Pantheon he learns that Greek children spend a considerable amount of time studying their illustrious past and the many impressive ancestors of their time.  Feynman, the ever expansive intellectual comments how far we’ve come since then, noting the groundwork laid but pointing more importantly to whats come since then.

The response he received however was one almost of offense, as if admitting the great advancements of the present somehow demoted the greatness of the past. Feynman noted that they continually put their age down and the old age up, as if pointing out the wonders of the present was an unjustified lack of appreciation of the past.

The point is that placing too great an emphasis on the positive past can be damaging in it’s own right, just as placing too great an emphasis on the negative past is. There are many stories from ancient Greece worth studying and figures worth emulating, sure. I study several of them today myself but they are just that, lessons to build on. The great Stoic, Seneca himself if granted immortality would likely still be working to improve himself today based on lessons from his past.

So there is a time-resource lost when spent too exuberantly on the past. The other problem is that while building on the past does nothing to negate its importance, idolizing the past inherently looks down on the present. Feynman comments that what the Greeks were learning in school was to be intimidated into thinking they had fallen so far below their superior ancestors. This is the hidden interpretation of our own statements when we say “you should have known me when…”

Misguided over-celebration of the past makes it all to easy to rest another day, as if you’ve earned a reprieve from life’s ambition. We have no excuses not to continuously strive towards our very best selves in this day, this moment and every one after.

So remember that even if you have had moments of Socrates, or Aphrodite, or even Zeus in your past, that these are only examples of how you can choose to behave in the present, should your future goals require such acts.

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So here’s some more useful adjustments to my list.

1. When I had a lot of friends, I had joined an organization of like minded people and spent a lot of time with them.
2. When I felt independent, I did something outside of the ‘expected’ (quit a good job, drove across country with life packed in car to a place where I didn’t know anyone)
3. When I was connected, laid back and improving myself, I actively opened up to new people and CHOSE to feel laid back and optimistic about myself.
4. When I actually felt intelligent, I spent time working with people MORE intelligent than myself, poured hours into studying topics I found valuable (statistics?), and produced work which I knew would be judged by intelligent individuals.
5. When I felt physical and mentally strong, I spent a lot of time outdoors in fantastic natural places, I trained physically every single day, I confronted my toughest emotions (loss, regret, guilt, fear) head on, I shared my exciting experiences with others

Now I have action items, much more useful. Where do you sit? Are you your best self today or do you wish for some aspect of your past? Let’s work on moving forward and to obtaining what we want out of life step by step.

“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what is left and live it properly.” – Marcus Aurelius

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“But man you should have known me when” – Gaslight Anthem

But really, you should have been at one of those Phi Psi parties, experienced St. Louis with me on my road trip, talked with me at Leading at the Edge weekend, watched my MSBA Capstone Presentation, or tried to keep up with me on Snowmass.